Saturday, July 5, 2014

The choices we make, the chances we take

By the way, I typed the whole post and then had this thought.. This isn't a journal. It is a blog. So if you are reading and have some thoughts, do share it with me. Please take a chance and choose to comment.. (yes yes am trying to be witty with the title here..)

Now for what I came here today to write about..

Ask my whatsapp college friend group how desperately I have been waiting to have the house to myself. Why? Because there is so much I want to do. I thought the moment am back home I will spend on India-Forum, instead I read a book, 1984. Hmm.. I guess it is a good thing that there are more interesting/mundane things I want/have to do than there are hours in my day.

All around me I see people worry about money. Elders, youngsters who meticulously note down each expense. I, for one, am pathetically bad at remembering how much I spent. Yes I do like the feeling of knowing there is enough and more in my bank account (haha the words have a strange pompous connotation to it) and maybe the 'more' is what makes me not focus on it. But, really, however nice the feeling is to be able to buy most of the things you may like having, there will always be a whole range of stuff your eyes would glaze to look at, but your pocket never allow. A few days back Cynthia di sent pictures of an exquisitely beautiful jewellery set that I was all Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's about. So, you know what I think is the main point of having enough? The fact that you can give it to anyone who may want it. 

And I don't necessarily only mean charity. We teach our children to share their toys, chocolates, but what about us? A few dollars to the veterans with signboards near the freeway entrance, some more to all kinds of insititutions doing good when you remember them and want to help them. But there is also just a friend who may need some help with a new business or a new house. There could be some kids visiting and you can give them your collectible action hero figurines because you know, if you wanted, you can go buy some more again. While in that moment a small little boy will be giggling delightedly as he makes superman fly in a dizzying circular motion. Just leaving behind extra money to a server who gave you an extra smile. Will the friend return back the money? Isn't it a chance worth taking to know you have enough to be able to help someone?

In our youth we have such a clear definition of who we would like to be when we grow up. Most of it already passed on to us by everyone and everything around us. We can't be that team lead who seems apathetic about his work and leaves early to be with his family. We can't be that lady who is immersed in her son, who drives him around to classes all days of the week. We can't be those uncles and aunties who are condescending towards their parents. We want to be intellectual, ambitious, successful, 'different'. I thought I would be the girl who would be great in office and then come back home and be great there too.

I know I have always wanted to be fiercely madly in love. I think that is the only thing that has not changed. Now, after only a few years of work, it almost feels like the people leaving from office early have more of a life. Why do I feel quite strongly that though I love the work I do I am going to soon leave it? The only thing that scares me is if I stay home will I be forced to leave my husband and go for weddings in the family, for a month, because someone will claim I have the free time and should help with that. Okay so am exaggerating when I say that is only what I worry about, but yes pretty much intangential are my worries. Who knows what will I choose when the time comes? I don't have kids yet so I want to stick to the not driving your poor kids crazy with pressure, but who can tell if that is even possible for a mother of today? Even when I have to spend an evening with outsiders I miss my freedom of just being alone. How will I deal with elders living in my house for long stays? The best part is the realization that I am now able to admit to these things and not feel guilty or wrong when saying these things.

Relationships, careers, life require us to take a leap of faith so many times. Till the very moment the word leaves your mouth or you step into a door you don't know for sure what you are going to do even though you may have obssessed about it the whole day yesterday. All that I pray is for everyone to get a chance to be their own person. Sometimes it is the small things like how would you like to spend your Sunday, with a book or amongst friends. Sometimes there are decisions that need to be taken on which everything hinges around. 

Specially when you are young in college. Or right out of it. So many people I know personally are engineers, but talented at other stuff. Want to do other stuff. Maybe there will come a day when we don't have to be just one person. Maybe it is a simple thing about how you want to manage your money or a life altering decision of whom you chose to marry and whether you want to marry at all. Sometimes you can be passionate about the work you do, sometimes you may have more than one passion and then which do you work on? 

Just the fact that you get to choose for yourself and make the mistakes that you invariably will make, should make life your own. And also, you should get to rethink, restate, reselect in your life whenever you want. Freedom of choice. Of spirit. It is a coveted feeling when you get to experience the fact that you have a say in your life. Most people very rarely, if ever, get to enjoy ownership of their life.

Oh that reminds me of a very nice movie. I vaguely feel like I don't like it too much. Till I see the songs and scenes and think it is a great movie. Then again in a few months maybe I reach that state when I go back to thinking I hadn't liked it all that much. Then its time for a rewatch. It has Ranbir Kapoor in it. I loved his Wake Up Sid (already mentioned that in another post) too. 

Ye jawaani hai deeweani. Nice. Quite real characters. Complex relations. And at rare times, surprisingly unpredictable. Some songs from the movie give me the illusion of flight or free fall.

***Ye jawaani hai deeweani spoikers ahead**

Two things that I really liked in the movie. A girl is shown in love with one of her best friends. Later she is getting married to a rich slightly stupid plump man. You keep thinking she is actually sad that she did not get the love of her life, but turns out that is not true. She did outgrow that phase. She likes, maybe even loves, the man she is marrying. The second is about the hero. He is passionate about travelling. His father dies and his step mother, whom he never spoke to nicely before, tells him all his father wanted was to see his son follow his dreams. This scene comes up just after the hero has decided to leave the girl he loves because the girl can't travel with him all over the world. She has a career and wants a quiet settled life. So the fact that the hero is told his dreams are what his father believed in confused me. I thought that would mean he should go on to the next adventure because that is what his dead father would want. Instead the hero turned and went to the girl.  

The first song is played at the very start of the movie during the casting and shows pretty delicately wrapped weddings gifts being delivered to different houses. Extremely beautiful. Sadly couldn't find a video for that. The second one is just plain gorgeous. Can you imagine what a certain Barun Sobti could do in such beautiful visual imagery? The third one issk had shared on my forum a while back. Reminded me that I do like the song.

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