Saturday, June 14, 2014


Note to self -

Aarwen had been good at things she tried out in her life. She had a mother brainwashing her that she was in fact much better than the rest. But Aarwen liked to think she was smart. She knew she was like the frog in the pond (I may be confusing a few proverbs here). The ocean had much bigger fish.

Till she reached college. As she stood on stage for her very first debate, she looked at the seemingly male dominated setup. She stood no chance.  Turns out they stood no chance. How the compliments flowed in.

A friend of Aarwen, someone who could talk about books for hours, just the kind of person Aarwen got along with fabulously, would compare her to Melanie. That gentle selfless soul from Gone With The Wind. Aarwen would delude herself she was that. Aarwen liked to do things for others too. But Melanie would not care if she got compliments. Melanie was unwordly like Bella in Beauty and the Beast. Aarwen wanted to be that. In fact popular, competent, Belle of the ball like Sacrlett with the golden heart of Melanie. uff what a combination she thought she was. But she really was no where close. And she did have her nose in books like the Belle from the Disney movie, but unlike Belle who wasn't aware of the people singing around her, Aarwen knew when people sang around her and even wished they would sing when the didn't.

Now wise Aarwen knows that being Melanie would be quite boring. Yes a nice inspiration to have but a bit of bad is good. No wonder Aarwen likes saying what the and dammit these days. And everytime she says it in her mind (still has not gathered courage to say it out loud) she feels thrilled with herself.

The first year she had the Midas's touch. Wherever she spoke , wherever she went she left a mark or atleast thought she did. Wish that was enough. The next year she had an added burden as she stood on stage. The big bloated head and a big self image. Narcissism finishes off unsuspecting victims. She could not meet her own self image.

She came back to her hostel room worried, embarrassed, ashamed. Atleast she had the sense to know she was messing things up. So whom did she talk to? Her roommate who was quite sensible and a friend? Or her mother.. that would have been the worst decision ever. (shuddering even thinking of it).. the boy the thought she was in love with.. Instead she called up a boy whom she had barely spoken a few words too in the last one year. A boy whom she met the first day of college. A boy who had after one year chatted with her on google talk unexpectedly one day, and that was it. She called up lazyWiz.

No idea why she thought of calling him up. Thank god she did call him up. What did he have to say? You are sad because you think you are the best and now your image is ruined. Harsh words that brought tears to the already miserable Aarwen. You aren't afraid of loosing the competition as of loosing face in front of people you think are your fans. He was being mean, but she listened to him hypnotized. Would she have listened with this reverence if it was someone else, we will never know. Would she dare take this helping hand and come out of the pit she was gradually sinking deeper and deeper in? leave her comfort zone and try and become what she could be, longed to be? Could she perhaps become things she still was not, but what she may like to be?

Almost a decade (and when I say it this way it does seem like a really long time) later .. a decade of lying low.. a decade of not really letting anything get to her head she is starting something new.. getting compliments again.. Indi di was telling me about the joy of writing for oneself..not letting others define what and how you write.. and also Aarwen herself feels the gradual change.. the wish to be her own person.. not please everyone all the time.. not be perfect.. just be herself..

And so it felt like the perfect time for a little reminder of a vital lesson learnt with some time ago with quite a bit of difficulty. A lesson that with itself brought a most wonderful teacher, friend. In fact the teacher was so sincere that he decided to stay with the student for life. A lesson that has the most fulfilling result ever and Aarwen hopes she continues to remember the lesson. Haha how I laughed when I saw Arnav tell Khushi one day in IPK that she was an egoist too. I knew there had to be reasons why I like the character so much. Ego.. A really scary word.

Unlike her namesake, who is an elf from the Lord Of The Rings world, who gave up immortality to live one lifetime as a human, the Aarwen you know is a phoenix. She is pretty as she goes through life till she becomes flawed, a skeletal of her former self, grotesque. Finally bursts into flames in agony. All that remains is ashes. From it  the phoenix is majestically reborn to regain her former beauty, untainted unblemished perfection. The cycle of destruction and regeneration goes on for a phoneix. Thankfully this phoenix is not alone in this journey. This phoenix has a mate.

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